I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to give your word. You know, to make a promise, or even to agree to something, and it appears as though I find myself in the minority on this topic. Not that this is anything new to me.
I recognize that I have a sensitivity to people not keeping their word because of things that happened when I was a child, but when did people start expecting others not to keep their word?
A few years ago I had a conversation with a dear friend about expectations. In the beginning they thought I was talking about the kind of expectations that we dream up in our own minds about something. For example, you might be out with your buddies and you do something amazing, like hit a home run in the softball game, or eagle a hole on the golf course, and expect them to slap you on the back at the pub afterward, and buy you drinks. If when you get there you find that they aren't paying, and you get disappointed, then my friend would argue that it's not really fair of you.
Another friend refers to expectations as premeditated resentments. The previous example demonstrates that perfectly, and I see what they mean. In that example, there was no real reason to expect your friends to buy you drinks, you had only hoped/imagined/believed that they would.
Perhaps there had even been some precedent for it. Maybe on a previous occasion they did buy drinks for the guy who did something cool, but does that mean it's going to happen every time? Not necessarily.
In either case, I can get behind their thinking, and I agree with them. But those kinds of examples are not the kind I am talking about. I am talking about people committing to you that they would do something, and then they simply do not do it. I'm talking real promises here. People giving their word and shaking your hand on it.
When did it become OK to break those kinds of promises?
Earlier today I had a discussion with some friends in an IRC channel that I frequent. These people are from all over the globe, so I always tend to get quite a range of opinion from them. This topic came up, and they were utterly shocked, that I actually expect people to keep their word! I recognize that there are always extenuating circumstances, and that sometimes people are not able to honor a commitment, but the people in this IRC channel expect to be disappointed. They expect people not to keep their word, even after they told you they would, and you were given a hand shake on it.
In some ways, I can see their point. It's the old Boy Scout motto of being prepared. If you expect the worst, you're never disappointed, but is that any way to go through life? Also, if you're always expecting people to disappoint you, doesn't that give society permission to do exactly that?
I would rather that people were honest with me. If I ask of you a favor, and you are not able, or not willing to do it, then simply say no. I get much more upset when people say yes, and then disappoint me, than if they simply say no from the beginning..
A few paragraphs ago, I used the word honor, and I do not use that word lightly. I think this is about honor, and I think that honor is still relevant, even in this hi-tech world in which we live. So what has the world come to? Am I truly the crazy one, or is the world just that messed up? When did it become OK to shake a person's hand, and then stab them in the back, later?
The conversations that I've had about this topic over the last few years have definitely driven home the idea that either I live in some sort of bizarre fantasy world, or I was born a few centuries too late.
What do you think? I would appreciate some feedback on this one.
I recognize that I have a sensitivity to people not keeping their word because of things that happened when I was a child, but when did people start expecting others not to keep their word?
A few years ago I had a conversation with a dear friend about expectations. In the beginning they thought I was talking about the kind of expectations that we dream up in our own minds about something. For example, you might be out with your buddies and you do something amazing, like hit a home run in the softball game, or eagle a hole on the golf course, and expect them to slap you on the back at the pub afterward, and buy you drinks. If when you get there you find that they aren't paying, and you get disappointed, then my friend would argue that it's not really fair of you.
Another friend refers to expectations as premeditated resentments. The previous example demonstrates that perfectly, and I see what they mean. In that example, there was no real reason to expect your friends to buy you drinks, you had only hoped/imagined/believed that they would.
Perhaps there had even been some precedent for it. Maybe on a previous occasion they did buy drinks for the guy who did something cool, but does that mean it's going to happen every time? Not necessarily.
In either case, I can get behind their thinking, and I agree with them. But those kinds of examples are not the kind I am talking about. I am talking about people committing to you that they would do something, and then they simply do not do it. I'm talking real promises here. People giving their word and shaking your hand on it.
When did it become OK to break those kinds of promises?
Earlier today I had a discussion with some friends in an IRC channel that I frequent. These people are from all over the globe, so I always tend to get quite a range of opinion from them. This topic came up, and they were utterly shocked, that I actually expect people to keep their word! I recognize that there are always extenuating circumstances, and that sometimes people are not able to honor a commitment, but the people in this IRC channel expect to be disappointed. They expect people not to keep their word, even after they told you they would, and you were given a hand shake on it.
In some ways, I can see their point. It's the old Boy Scout motto of being prepared. If you expect the worst, you're never disappointed, but is that any way to go through life? Also, if you're always expecting people to disappoint you, doesn't that give society permission to do exactly that?
I would rather that people were honest with me. If I ask of you a favor, and you are not able, or not willing to do it, then simply say no. I get much more upset when people say yes, and then disappoint me, than if they simply say no from the beginning..
A few paragraphs ago, I used the word honor, and I do not use that word lightly. I think this is about honor, and I think that honor is still relevant, even in this hi-tech world in which we live. So what has the world come to? Am I truly the crazy one, or is the world just that messed up? When did it become OK to shake a person's hand, and then stab them in the back, later?
The conversations that I've had about this topic over the last few years have definitely driven home the idea that either I live in some sort of bizarre fantasy world, or I was born a few centuries too late.
What do you think? I would appreciate some feedback on this one.
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