Recently in Humour Category

I recently decided that I need an unhealthy obsession. I want to worship some ridiculous brand, or inanimate object to the point where I alienate large groups of people, and I need your help. Only, I am having trouble deciding what brand/object to worship, so I am soliciting suggestions.

Now, most of you are probably thinking that I should pick a popular computer brand, like so many before me have, but I consider that to be a rather mundane, boring choice. I want something different, and off-the-beaten-path.

I know, I know, right now you're probably all thinking that I am very lazy, but that's not true! I've put an awful lot of thought into this, but didn't like any of my choices. For example, I briefly considered becoming a fan of the American Standard Toilet brand, but that didn't seem appealing for very long. I also briefly considered obsessing over the Ticonderoga Pencil brand, but that lost its luster when I realized just how hard it was finding those wall-mounted pencil sharpeners like we used to have in grade school. Lastly, I mulled over the idea of worshiping the Swan Garden Hose brand, and I would have, if I still had any idea where my Slip and Slide was.

So as you can plainly see, I need your help. Please email any suggestions that you might have to either of the email addresses on my Contact page.

I extend my thanks in advance.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the impossibly minuscule likelihood that there is a God. I tend to always be thinking about things like this, but finding this website, a few weeks ago got me thinking about it even more.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am an Agnostic who leans toward being an Atheist. I can't absolutely prove there isn't a God, but I suspect there isn't one.

I always wondered what actually made people switch from polytheistic belief systems (Paganism, many gods), to monotheistic belief systems (one god). It seems to me that if gods do exist, and there is only one, that he is going to be one hell-of-a busy entity. Watching over the universe is probably a very big job, which is why Paganism always made more sense to me. In fact, I think Paganism, is a lot like the Unix Philosophy, which is why Paganism makes the most sense to me. In the Unix Philosophy, you design and write programs to be small, and to do one task very well. Why have these gigantic, bloated, memory-hogging programs that do a million things, when you can have a bunch of smaller programs, that do one thing each, very well? Why shouldn't this be true in theism as well? Have a bunch of gods, each doing different things, and doing them very well. Most Pagan Mythoi also seem to have a God King, with the lesser gods being under him/her in the power-structure, which implies a kind of hierarchical command structure. This also makes sense to me. We all know that military organizations, which employ hierarchical command structures, can be very efficient in delegating responsibility and duties. Again, overseeing the universe sounds like a big job, and delegating duties to many lesser gods seems like the way to do it.

Among my friends, their opinions on the topic of gods, and the afterlife occupy a pretty broad spectrum. Not that there being a God, or gods implies an afterlife, but they do seem to go hand in hand. Despite the fact that I don't believe in the likelihood of any God, or gods, and I am not expecting to run into any old, deceased friends in any sort of afterlife, I have many friends who do believe in these things, and we get along fine.

What got me thinking about this topic, today, was while I was flipping around the TV dial (remember when TV's had DIALS???), I whizzed past a channel showing the movie, Ghost. This film deals very much with death, and the afterlife, and I began to think about my friends and their beliefs. More specifically, the friends who tend to believe in some sort of something, after we die.

Some believe in Heaven and Hell, and others believe in some form of reincarnation. One of my friends who would profess to enjoy life, once told me that she has already picked out her husband's next partner, in the case of her own death. Yet, in films like Ghost, and other romantic films, they talk about people being soul-mates, who are meant to be together, forever.

In real life, sometimes, when one half of a married couple dies, the other never remarries, and spends the rest of their life, alone, and one would think, very lonely. My friend who has already picked out her husband's future partner finds this choice very distasteful, and thinks that just because your partner has died, that you shouldn't stop living, and enjoying life, and despite what anyone else thinks, you should, in whatever time-frame is appropriate for you, get back in the game, and begin again to enjoy life with a partner.

This is where I begin to have a problem.

Example:

Hypothetical Mr. Smith believes in God, and the afterlife. If Mr. Smith's wife/soul-mate dies, and in time, Mr. Smith finds another partner, isn't he, in a way, cheating on his wife, who is waiting to meet him again in the afterlife, when he dies? And if Mr. Smith then dies, leaving his new partner behind, and reunites with the previously deceased Mrs. Smith, isn't Mr. Smith then cheating on his second partner, that he left behind, living her mortal life? Say nothing of the fact that the deceased Mrs. Smith may have already found a new partner in the afterlife, by the time Mr. Smith arrives at the Pearly Gates.

This is complex stuff, and raises a lot of quasi-serious questions for me, on the topic of fidelity and morality. It seems like there is great potential here, for there to be a lot of problems in the afterlife, when all of the parties finally arrive, and start sorting out their issues and feelings.

At the end of the day, I suspect that no one will have any good answers for me.

Anyway, just my two cents.

As of today, Facebook will be entering your homes when you are not there, and eating all of your cookies and pies. To change this, go to Privacy Settings --> Baked Goods/Confections --> Theft, and check the DISALLOW box, and your cookies and pies will be safe. Copy and paste this into your Facebook status for all your cookie and pie loving friends ASAP!

Four years ago, when my friend John and I started our Podcast, Bloodthirsty Vegetarians, our blog ended up going live a little before we were able to actually start producing Podcasts. In that time I ended up writing some little comedy vignettes. Because I have no way of knowing when the Bloodyveg blog will be taken down, I thought that I would preserve them here, since they are mine, and because some of my new readers might enjoy them. I will also include the date the piece was originally written.


May 15, 2005
Ann Coulter Says Nice Thing

Fascists and conservatives were stunned recently when on the FOX News show, THE GOEBBELS & MUSSOLINI HOUR, Ann Coulter said a nice thing. When asked about her appearance on the show, Coulter was reported to have said, "I did not say that, and you can't prove it... nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah."


May 16, 2005
Supreme Court Rules, "Beatles Were Wrong"

In a landmark decision, the US Supreme Court ruled Friday that the Beatles were wrong. Writing the majority opinion, Justice Oliver Wendell Jones ruled, "Yes, the Beatles were wrong. Everything they wrote, did or said was simply wrong... and it's unlawful to yell 'HELP!' in a crowded theater."


May 19, 2005
M*A*S*H Discovered To Be Fiction

In a recent bit of brilliant investigative journalism, Carl Woodward of the Washington Chronicles recently found evidence demonstrating that all of the characters and events on the TV show M*A*S*H, never happened. Coming as a shock to all 20th century historians, this development will undoubtedly change the course recorded history for the next 30 years. Historian William Wendell was quoted as saying, "I can't believe Hawkeye wasn't real, he looked real and liked Groucho, how could he lie to me like that?"


May 21, 2005
Mars Found To Be Flat

In a recent announcement that shocked the scientific community, Mikhail Mallin, of Mallin Space Science Systems revealed that the latest data from satellites in space near Mars, shows it to be flat. Earth, which was discovered not to be flat centuries ago, harbors many people who now feel somewhat vindicated by this recent discovery. Mikhail Mallin, chief scientist at MSSS was quoted as saying, "Who knew???"


May 22, 2005
Dinosaur Extinction Not Caused By Meteorite Impact

Paleontologists have recently been favoring the theory that it was not a meteorite impact with the earth that caused extinction of the Dinosaurs, but lack of refrigeration. Recent evidence shows that over the course of about one million years, carnivores were slowly consuming herbivores at a rate in which nature could not replace them, and were themselves slowly dying a septic death from bacterial infection brought on by ingesting rotting meat. Paleontologist Wilfred Kazanjian was quoted as saying, "Humans have known about this bacterial thing for quite some time now, but apparently the dinosaurs didn't. If they'd only discovered Freon..."


May 24, 2005
CosaNostradamus Accurately Predicted Death Of Sonny Corleone

In an amazing bit of prophecy, early Roman philosopher and Seer, CosaNostradamus, accurately predicted the killing of Santino Corleone. The translation found on a pair of recently unearthed stone tablets near the Italian city of Ponte Milvio, reads, "Angry progeny's chariot showered with arrows near roadway taxation station." Archaeologists are currently looking for more tablets believed to be part of a 13 tablet set in the hopes of finding more words of wisdom.


May 27, 2005
Peoria Illinois Secedes From Union

In a shocking recent move, the Peoria City Council voted 11-0 to secede from the Union. When asked why they chose to do this, Mayor Edward Smith said they were very conflicted about the choice they made, but with respect to the US, offered, "I don't know you people anymore, I can't go on living like this." In an effort to keep outside immigration down, the world's newest country installed a three foot electric garden fence around their border. To allow access to the country, four gates were installed, each guarded by two very large Chihuahuas, a speed bump, and several "Keep Off The Grass" signs.


May 28, 2005
Norm Abraham Measures Once, Cuts Twice

Norm Abraham, TV's co-host of the long running PBN series This Olde Home, and host of The New Yankee Woodshop was shown on tape in a recent episode, making an error. At a critical moment in the build of a large Armoir, Norm failed to double check a dimension, and cut a board to the wrong length. When asked what happened, Norm said, "I don't know what came over me... maybe it's a biorhythm thing. Plus the prank phone calls from Bob Vila have been pissing me off lately. I mean, that 1/128th of an inch was everything, and I knew it. I've deeply disappointed my fans and won't let it happen again."



June 1, 2005
Bob Dylan and James Brown To Co-Host New Talk Show

UTN TV recently announced the signing of an agreement with Bob Dylan And James Brown to co-host a new late night talk show. Both performers have been growing progressively more unhappy touring, and thought more consistency in their working schedule would be a benefit. Show format will be a standard late night style talk show with many details to be determined. Henry Rollins has been selected to be musical director. When reached for comment Dylan and Brown could not be understood.



June 8, 2005
Spinal Tap's Amps Actually Go Only To 10

In a recent shocking revelation from British Investigative Journalist Clive Smithson, it was found that Spinal Tap's amplifiers do not really go to eleven. Smithson, while on tour with the super-band doing a story, smuggled one of their amplifiers out to a local electronics shop and had it tested. The amplifier tested actually only went to ten, but had the faceplate altered and renumbered 1-11, instead of the standard 1-10. Smithson was quoted as saying, "I just can't believe this. I feel so violated. Next I'll find out that the band never really existed or something unbelievable like that."



June 23, 2005
Sam The Butcher Admits Two-Timing Alice

Sam Franklin, neighborhood butcher to the Brady Bunch recently admitted to having cheated on Alice, numerous times. In his new no-holds-barred, tell-all autobiography entitled, "The Man With The Meat," Franklin admits to some 117,000 affairs in his life. Included on his long life-list are Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Cunningham, Mrs. Garrett, Edith Bunker, and while in his experimental period, Maynard G. Krebs, and a strapping young Mr. French.

An ongoing feud between Lance Armstrong and Ben Stiller heated up today when Ben Stiller announced his STILLERSTRONG charity, which benefits schools in Haiti. The tensions began last July in France, when Ben Stiller abused the access that his celebrity status afforded him, by jumping on one of Lance's Trek Time Trial bikes before a critical stage in the 2009 Tour de France, ultimate damaging the bike, and nearly ending Lance Armstrong's race, prematurely. Things remained at an uneasy-peace until Mr. Stiller's recent galling announcement.

If the look and feel of the STILLERSTRONG web site look a bit familiar to you, it might be because he blatantly, and unabashedly ripped off the LIVESTRONG Foundation's vibe with both the look of the site, and the means by which they are raising funds. Most of you by now have seen the yellow LIVESTRONG Bracelets which so many people, including myself, are wearing. Mr. Stiller has chosen to make the 'STILLERSTRONG' yellow headband his signature item.

Lance Armstrong returned fire, today, after an emergency board meeting, with this video announcement. Apparently, litigation is inevitable.

I will keep you apprised of the situation, as things develop.

When I was young, my dad always told me that you were not allowed to play Christmas music before the Friday after Thanksgiving. He did make it clear that it was an unwritten rule, not carved in stone, but one that he would not break, nonetheless. I thought that the rule was reasonable, and made sense. In more recent years, however, it seems as though that rule is being broken earlier, and earlier. If my memory isn't failing me, I believe that one local shopping center started playing Christmas music, immediately after Halloween, this year. So much for unwritten rules.

Do these business owners and decision makers really believe that people will spend more money if they start hearing Christmas music a month earlier than normal? If that is the case, why not just play it all year? Heck, they should have started blasting it 24/7 over every radio station and public address system in the country, two summers ago, when the economy crashed. Maybe that would have helped!

I am also intrigued by the name that has been given to today: Black Friday. I think that it is appropriately named, since I am not a fan of the crass commercialism and consumption that this day has come to represent. Wall Street seems to have co-opted everything, and yet despite that, surprisingly, they haven't been able to re-brand the name Black Friday into something less ominous sounding. Something like Friendly Friday, or Fantastic Friday, or Frolicking Friday. Perhaps I shouldn't have written that, because now they're likely to attempt to try.

It is my belief that there is little that you can do to cause people to spend more money around the holidays. They either have it, or they don't, and this season, I expect that they don't.

At the end of the day, perhaps this is a good thing. Just like I have had to learn to live with less due to my unemployment, perhaps not having as much money will teach people that the holidays are not about belongings, but are instead about belonging.


* Note to all business owners and decision makers: Playing Christmas music ridiculously early causes me, and people like me, NOT to shop at your businesses.

Our brief history here on the North American continent has yielded many great slogans. The political arena has always been an area rife with sloganeering, and in that spirit, I am attempting to give rise to another. If you read the title, then you know what it is:

 Handguns, Not Health-Care!

I have several friends whom in the last few years have been diagnosed with cancer, and had to undergo various types of treatment, including surgery, and radiation. I have not asked them this yet, but I am wondering that if instead of medical treatment, they considered the benefits of handgun ownership as an alternative? People with guns have been showing up at so many health-care rallies of late that clearly there must be a medicinal benefit.

How is it that in the forty three years that I've been on this planet, that I denied myself the joys of handgun ownership? They really must be quite the thing, considering how often I've seen them on TV in recent weeks, and where they've been appearing. Apparently they're quite the fashion statement, since people are wearing them to Presidential speeches, and to Congressional Town Hall Meetings.

Perhaps this is one area where Vogue Magazine is a little behind the curve. I was always told that Vogue was on the cutting edge of fashion journalism, but, apparently they've really missed the boat on this one. I suspect that won't be the case for long, however, since fashions change quickly. I feel strongly that on the Fashion Week runway next year in NY City, we will see the entire Walthers line available in all of the latest designer colors. The truly fashion-forward will be wearing their Glocks with Gucci and Prada holsters.

Many people think that the song 'Happiness Is A Warm Gun' is a scathing, sarcastic response to an article of the same title, that John Lennon saw in a gun magazine. I don't think so. I think Lennon was simply way ahead of the curve on the joys of owning deadly weaponry, and saw then, what I am only beginning to see now.

It has taken a long time, but is becoming so clear to me now, and I can only hope that it is becoming clear to you as well.